Dear Doctor Lover,

I've known the man I'm in a relationship with for 10+ years. We've dated off and on (while in high school, and college). We finally decided to give "us" a real chance now that we're both "grown." (I'll explain the quotes in a minute...). We've been together for almost a year - in that time he has not had a job, though he has gone to & completed trade school. He's got 4 children - 3 living & 1 passed, no car, and has 2 roommates.

On the flip side, I have a degree, am in graduate school, have a career, vehicle, and my own place. I'm getting impatient. I have tried to be understanding about the economy, and supportive regarding his job searching efforts, but I'm at the point where enough is enough!

He's very loving, caring, strong, spiritual - all the characteristics are there. He keeps talking about marriage & I am not convinced I am willing to accept the trade off by being with him (characteristics vs no job & lots of kids). I'm contemplating leaving, or at least telling him to holla when he's got his *ish together...what say you?

Sincerely Torn,

Dear Torn

The question you need to ask yourself is what are you looking for. Are you looking for love or stability? Sometimes they come together and sometimes the come separate. It seems that in your predicament, the stability isn't there but love is. Do you and can you love this man with whatever and without whatever?

It sounds like you would like it to work, but that you are simply better than he is. While you want a partner, you are actually being a leader in the relationship. I believe that you can do better without him. My advice in relationships is to always find someone that helps you create a better you, if you feel that he isn't doing that, then you need to let him go and find someone who does that. Being a better you doesn't just consist of having the physical qualities of money and luxury, but it can also mean stimulating your mind and helping you better yourself mentally.

I disagree with marriage at this point, as he doesn't have his stuff together. He isn't much of a provider right now and you'd end up stressing yourself trying to take care of him and his children. You two are simply on two different levels as you are focusing on life and love, he is focusing on love and life.

Yes, the economy is bad and isn't going anywhere anytime soon. I wouldn't look for him to find a good quality job of your standards anytime soon either. So yes, I believe that you need to let him go and let him find himself if you are looking for more than love. Nothing is wrong with that. The worst thing that you could do is stick around living on dreams and hopes of the future.

~Doctor Lover