Dear Doctor Lover,

When I was younger I felt that I didn't need anyone to complete my life and frankly didn't want a boyfriend. When my current boyfriend asked me out I told him exactly this but he didn't care and continued to ask me out for a great deal of time until I agreed. He was very stubborn about it and that really impressed me. The time we were together I felt wasn't very strong so we stopped going out. After that, he joined the army and we became really good friends talking at a distance. We started dating again while he was there. So we were in a long distance relationship for probably around 2 years.

After he fulfilled his contract we decided to start living together and everything was working out just as well as expected. His only problem was the lack of friends here as well as a stable job. However, about seven months after he moved in, I found that he got drunk while I was at work one night and wrote a casual sex ad that he didn't post, but that the computer saved in its memory. The ad stated that he was bored with his sex life and he needed someone who isn't afraid to do new things and that he was willing to travel for it. He titled it Please God Save Me.

That absolutely broke my heart and when I confronted him about it he tried to tell me it was a joke. Then when he realized I wasn't buying it he told me he doesn't remember writing it and that he was drunk the night he did. So needless to say I was absolutely paranoid. Every time we talked about our sex life he tells me that its absolutely great and I truly believe him, but there was a period of about 5 months where he never wanted to have sex at all even though I was very blunt about being intimate.

I love him so much and I did everything for him, so I forgave him. However, this time I was really paranoid and every time I tried bringing it up he wouldn't talk about it and changed the subject. So sometimes I would go onto his email and facebook and web history to find out what he's been up to. I felt so guilty about it and was just disgusted by myself that I told him one night and he told me that it was fine and that he had nothing to hide. He told me that he knows how it felt because every serious relationship that he was in would end up with his gf's cheating on him.

I started feeling better and tried to stop looking at emails. A short period later I decided to take a peek and saw that he joined a dating site and saw he was just messaging random girls asking to chat and he asked one girl to go jogging with him. I'm fine with asking friends to jog with him but asking random people on a dating site does not give the right impression to anyone. He told me he used the site to find piercing jobs in college and was barely on it but he sent 6 different messages to 6 different girls very recently.

I also found out that he changed his passwords to his email and Facebook. He said it was an evasion of his privacy, which is true. But he also previously told me that he did the same thing to me while he was in the army. So I told him that was very hypocritical and that at least I was upfront and honest with him about it and that I did feel awful. But to me, changing his email told me it was because he did have something to hide.

Just the other day I randomly decided to check his email he had left open and found emails that had a conversation on a sex ad about women for men, no strings attached. When I asked him about it he tried to pass it off as spam but I scrolled down and showed him his picture that he had sent to this girl.

His explanation for all of this behavior is that he needs to feel wanted by someone, especially since he doesn't have too many friends since moving here and has not found a solid career. I have tried to understand this need but I still don't. He is flirting and posting and answering NSA sex ads, and he has lied to me so much that I have no idea what is the truth anymore. He says he loves me and that he's never cheated on me, but how am I supposed to know when the trust is gone?

I love him too much to leave but need to fix this problem if were to stay together. We are both willing to work at it but need a point in the right direction. How can we fix this and how can I even understand this problem?

Sincerely, confused and heart broken

Dear confused and heart broken,

From what this sounds like, it seems that he just isn't as committed to the relationship as you are. Of course you have no proof of him cheating so you can't truly be upset. However, what is cheating? How far does he have to go in order for you to take it as him cheating? Is flirting cheating? Is asking other women out on dates cheating? Is posting sex ads cheating?

You need to find within yourself how much you can take and what that word means to you. It's not just about him physically being with another person, it's about him taking attention away from you and putting it toward another woman.

Most of this seems to pin around sex. My suggestion would be to have a conversation with him where he will actually sit and listen and be true about the situation. If he wants more sex or better sex than you are giving him, then you two need to get an understanding on how to fix that. In addition, some men and women just want sex from other partners. If that is the case with your man, you may need to consider if that is the type of relationship that you want to be in. mainly, if you can deal with him and his faults or addictions.

Furthermore, the only true way to get pass this is to have him open up about it and be honest. The fact is that he was caught. There is no denying that he was looking to start relationships with other women.

If the situation isn't addressed and a solution isn't found, then it will continue until it only gets worse.

~Doctor Lover