Dear Doctor Lover,

I need help. I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 years now and we have a daughter together and are living in a house together. We have almost broken up several times in the relationship and we can go months with barely speaking to each other because we fight so bad. For the past year now, I have had part of my heart with another man. He makes me feel like I can and do deserve better. I know that he would do anything for me and we do see each other on a daily basis. I have tried taking this other man out of my life but he is always in my head and I'm always thinking about him. My boyfriend and I seem to go through rough times but than we have great times. I doubt that we will be together forever because he can't talk about marriage with me but I just can't use that as an excuse to say that I'm ready to leave and be a single mom possibly. I am tied between the two of them because I love them both and don't want to hurt either one of them. Before when my boyfriend and I were going through a hard time all he could keep bringing up is our daughter. He would say he wanted his family but wouldn't say that he just wanted me. I don't want to stay with someone who is only trying to make it work because of a child because I know in the long run the child will hurt more. I am not ready to tell him good bye though because I do love him and we have shared a lot together in the years we have know each other. I need advice on how to make a decision and not regret it.

Sincerely, Torn Between Two

Dear Torn Between Two,

I know that you mention being a singe mother, but most single mothers are single because they choose to be single and as you mentioned, it will only hurt your daughter in the end if she is involved within your unhappy relationship with her father.

I don't believe that any healthy relationship can go with two people not speaking with one another for months or years at a time. What you and your baby's father have is not a loving relationship, but moreover a close friendship. A good relationship of course has its ups and downs, however, if the arguing and fighting is too routine, its best if you remove yourself from the situation for your and your daughters self growth.

As for choosing which man you want to go with, I would first say to choose yourself and your daughter. You have mentioned good times with the both of them and moving in either direction besides the direction of self, will only cause more heartache. You know what you need to be a happier you and you need to go with that. While your baby's father may have his issues, people can change and he may get better once he starts realizing that you are actively moving to create a better place for you and your child. It may be just what he needs to change and become a better man for you and his child. A real man will always love his child's mother and show her respect for the child's well being, especially when it's a daughter. If he's a good man and father, he will come around and do what he needs to do for you and his daughter to prove his dedication to the relationships he has with the both of you.

As for the other man, the grass is always greener. Though he may be saying what you need to hear and has bigger dreams set in your mind, it's too soon to move into that direction. When young children are involved, you want to take that slow and let her adjust first. She needs to see a strong mother before she needs to see another man telling her mother what to do.

Nonetheless, you have mentioned that you don't see a future with your baby's father. If that is the case, then you already understand that you may need to leave him. The best thing that you can do at this point is find some time for yourself and plan your life as if you were already a single mother. If your baby's father weren't there, what would you do? How would you live? What you need to do is start living your life happy rather than unhappy with your man. Relationships are about being in happiness, in love and in growth. If he isn't bringing those feelings or actions to the table, then you need to reconsider your relationship with him. Your daughter watches you, and you need to show her just what a healthy relationship between a man and a woman consist of.

~Doctor Lover